U.S. Army Zombie Training Manual

Book excerpt: When a zombie is taken prisoner by the Army, it need not be uselessly destroyed. In fact, just as our Army trains dogs for combat roles, it has a program to train the captured Undead for combat roles. No zombie that our Army can capture will go unutilized. This is our Army’s “No Zombie Left Behind” policy. The manual in your hands is the Department of Defense’s principal source of information on care, conditioning, training, and operations of our Army’s Working Zombies – such as Blech!, the brave zombie who served in a capacity similar to that of his canine comrade Cairo in the raid that killed Bin Laden. From basics, such as “HEEL” and “STAY” to negotiating obstacle courses, to tracking, searching, attacking, and even zombies working undercover in the real world, this manual shows readers how our military trains zombies to be soldier zombies. Illustrations depict the dos and don’ts of zombie care, training, and operations. Contents include: * Zombie-Veterinary Training Priorities * Principles of Conditioning and Behavior Modification * Patrol Zombie Training * Clear Signals Training Method * Deferred Final Response * Detector Zombie Training Validation * The Military Working Zombie Program (MWZ Program) * Facilities and Equipment * And more . . .