Mixed Matches

Book excerpt: Mixed matches are more complicated relationships than those between people from similar backgrounds. Often, the very qualities that attracted us to our partners ultimately lie at the roots of our most difficult problems. For even when partners don't feel a strong identification with their racial, religious, or cultural groups, they discover that their loyalty to the past goes deeper than they realized. Psychotherapist Joel Crohn has learned in years of counseling couples in cross-cultural relationships that how partners negotiate their cultural and religious differences is as important as what the difference are. Over time, the reserve of a Protestant wife can seem like emotional withholding to her Jewish husband, whose openness seems intrusive to her. An Asian father may feel his children need more discipline, while his American wife thinks they have it harder than she did. A black Trinidadian man is excited about the opportunities in the United States, while his Detroit-born black girlfriend thinks he's naive about racism. The methods in Mixed Matches have helped these and many other couples approach each other compassionately, teaching them to "translate" their different styles of expression and negotiate successful resolutions. Dr. Crohn also offers practical advice on how couples can confront prejudice and stereotypes, deal with in-laws, and help children achieve a sense of identity in a bicultural family.